Sunday, January 31, 2010

Momma's Proverbs for Boys -- posted by Momma

Since I wrote a little stream of consciousness about some of my responsibilities as a mother, I thought it was only fitting to write one about my children's duties. (Oh what fun!) As it turned out, it really just speaks to the little boys. I guess that's because I've accomplished the better part of raising Sarah Grace and the big boys.
  • Wait until everyone is completely seated and the blessing has been thoughtfully offered (not rushed) before you insert even one crumb of food into your pie hole, or the long arm of Mom may find you and knock you to that floor you haven't gotten around to sweeping.
  • If you plop a glob of toothpaste, or whatever, in the sink, take a paper towel from the cabinet and wipe it out. That's what they are there for.
  • Kill all the spiders and roaches and mice and rats. That's what men do.
  • You are not allowed to be OCD about your food touching, or the folds of your socks, or how your shoes are tied, or any such thing. The character of Monk was endearing with his quirkiness and all, but mental illness is not funny. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 (emphasis mine)
  • Don't try to scare anybody. That's evil. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 (emphasis mine)
  • With grateful hearts, eat everything you're served regardless of taste, color, or texture. Anything less is self-indulgent finickiness, and I won't have it.
  • Jesus declares himself to be the way, the truth, and the life. We are commanded to seek the truth in all matters whether we want to know it or not. Some truth is hard to hear, but if we regard a lie, or put anything before the truth, God condemns it as idolatry.
  • Always look us in the eye when we're speaking to you or you're speaking to us and don't mumble, slur, or speak too fast... ENGAGE.
  • Never lunge at food, or toys, or anything offered to you.
  • Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. (Luke 17:3) God doesn't forgive anyone who doesn't repent and he doesn't expect more from us. Be bold enough to rebuke and loving enough to forgive. Don't skip any of those steps.
  • Honor and cherish your momma and sister or you're not allowed to have a girlfriend, much less a wife.
  • Too much video gaming will make you socially inept and give you rickets.
  • Tell everyone in the house goodnight and that you love them before going to bed.
  • In extreme heat or cold, prepare the car temperature in advance for us.
  • Get off the computer.
  • Hug and kiss a lot... even your brothers. There are lots of ways to smooch a brother on the head or cheek in a non-queer way, and you had better perfect that kind of unfeigned affection.
  • Be prepared to financially support and care for any women in your family in the event their husbands or fathers can't or won't. It is a disgrace to send them into the man's work-a-day world to make their own way, or worse, send them begging to the world, i.e., the state.
  • Learn how to fix running toilets, dead electrical outlets, leaky faucets, etc. And cheerfully do it without being asked.
  • Don't pretend to be someone other than yourself by using a different user name-- that's guile. If you can't use your own name, you either shouldn't be saying it at all, or you should man-up and be forthright enough to say it as yourself. Hiding behind a handle is ungodly and unmanly.
  • If a woman ever leaves your company alone, always walk her to her car.
  • Be strong.
  • Never take a bite out of your biscuit or roll. Break off a bite-sized piece and then eat it.
  • Learn how to do basic service and repairs on a car.
  • Chop wood.
  • Never take food, such as bacon, directly from the serving plate to your mouth. Place it on your plate first.
  • Insist on doing the heavy work and dirty work.
  • Never use put-down humor. It diminishes you.
  • Don't overfill your mouth, or your gut.
  • Learn to cook on the grill, at the very least. Have a "specialty" you can prepare.
  • Hug and kiss me out of the blue.
  • Learn to appreciate worthy literature, music, art, and even poetry you think you abhor.
  • No matter who you think you are, do your own yard work, and take pride in it.
  • Don't just take out the trash, wash out the trash cans as well.
  • Last but not least... PUT THE SEAT DOWN!

No comments: