Here I am watching Webber Dimplehocks go in and out of sleep. His Bob the Builder dvd seems to be glitching with the same ebb and flow as his sleep cycle, and the trickling water bottle on his oxygen has given the room a certain sleepy-do rhythm.
I've been sitting here with the Lord thinking about the number of times I've been face to face with the death of one of my children. The past eleven days have been a hard trial with me wondering how much more he would allow me to endure, but what difference does that make? There's no turning back, and where would I go anyway? No, when I went all the way with the Lord, I went all the way with him.
Before Webb pulled out of this one, I found myself climbing into Jesus again and it just makes me long to be off this planet and in his arms and lap and cubby hole all the time. Even my heart's great desire, to see my children well married, is losing its sparkle. That seems par for the course considering what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21-25
21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. 23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: 24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. 25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;
I remember when my best friend Mary used to talk about wanting to go already to be with the Lord and, at the time, I found it kind of morbid and maybe even clinically depressed sounding. It was hard to understand, especially considering she has children who haven't been converted yet. Not that sticking around to harp on them would make a difference. They've all heard the gospel, so what's left? When Jesus told the rich fella in Mark 10 to go sell all he had, give it to the poor, pick up his cross and come follow him, the rich guy walked away grieved because he had great possessions. You don't see Jesus chasing after him, even though it says Jesus beheld him and loved him. People will respond to the gospel or they won't. If there's one thing I've learned, we've all been given a free will and I am neither the convicter nor the convincer and God is not going to save someone just because I love them. Most won't be saved. Luke 15:24 Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able.
This is the passage I've been pondering today. 2 Corinthians 2:14-17
14 But thank God! He has made us his captives and continues to lead us along in Christ’s triumphal procession. Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. 15 Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God. But this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are being saved and by those who are perishing. 16 To those who are perishing, we are a dreadful smell of death and doom. But to those who are being saved, we are a life-giving perfume. And who is adequate for such a task as this?
17 You see, we are not like the many hucksters who preach for personal profit. We preach the word of God with sincerity and with Christ’s authority, knowing that God is watching us.