As I mentioned in my last entry, I went through a period in my life that I call my "freak of nature stage" from about the ages of 10-16. I was self conscious about my looks, as most girls are at that age, but consequently that lack of self esteem started to poison my personality and the way I behaved around others.
For starters, I had extremely crooked teeth (seriously, they were bad), which made me forgo smiling altogether. I hadn't quite grown into my nose, and on top of that I was very uncomfortable with the way my shape was changing. I've never been overweight, but at 5'2" and a full figure (meaning curvy), the slightest weight gain made me feel like a Weeble, and I adopted the habit of walking with my shoulders hunched. I had morphed from an effervescent little girl into this sad, quiet, Peyton Manning-nosed lurch.
During this phase, my wise mother sat me down and explained an important concept: shyness is actually pride, flipped inside-out. When I first heard this, it didn't make any sense. How can shyness be pride, when it seems like the exact opposite? It's the same because they both stem from a focus on self. A prideful person, in the typical sense, is someone who is consumed with self-importance, and disregards the feelings of those surrounding them. Likewise, my shyness left me feeling as if all eyes were on me and my imperfections, and I was so focused on catering to my own needy little world, that I neglected to think about what may be going on in the lives of those around me. Both types come off as aloof, and there is no love in that.
I eventually had my teeth straightened and was able to smile again. However, it wasn't until I received the new birth that I was fully able to love others. I still have my imperfections that bug me sometimes, i.e. breakouts when I'm stressed, bad hair days, keeping my weight in check so I don't look too round, etc.. However, my love is perfect. It's not something that can be worked up, and I can't be credited for it. It comes with the new heart, and it is effortless. I know who I am spiritually, but physically I have had my doubts.
Anyway, I'm saying all of this to explain why it was so important to me to get comfortable on camera. Having never gone to school (except up to first grade), there is the temptation to wonder if I measure up with my appearance and personality. I've been flirted with only a couple of times, so it is only by faith that I know the Lord has made me sufficient, as, you know, a woman. So, holding my head up and making those silly videos was showing the Lord that I trust what he's doing with me. It was my step of faith, and without faith it is impossible to please God.
Whoa, that was deep.
0 comments:
Post a Comment